19 weeks! Almost half way there

19 weeks 

It's a boy!! It took some getting used to the idea of a boy for me but we are excited! B will have a little guy for basketball and tennis too cute. Ill have my own mommas boy! 

No cravings lately.. I often want smoothies and breakfast foods. 

My ankles are swelling already, a lil painful..my lower back hurts in the mornings. 

We're working on figuring out daycare, stressful! I wish I could afford not to work.

On another note super excited to find out gender

I can't wait to find out the gender so the pregnancy will seem more real and we can start decorating and shopping

I see so much baby girl stuff I want

gap onsie

super cute gap dress

obsessed with this gap dress

Scared

So many things to be scared of..
watching The Baby Story and Baby's first Day and it's scaring the crap out of me, but I figured better to not be scared of the unknown.

I cringe watching the epidural, c-sections and the baby being pushed out. I hate how long of a process it is, why does it have to take like 14 hours?!?!?!

I hope I don't worry and freak myself out my entire last trimester. I tend to build things up until they happen so much that when that day or procedure comes I'm extremely anxious and sick and pass out.

• infections during flu season during my last trimester or fevers
• infections during labor
• pain pain, not being strong enough to handle it
• how out of shape I will be for the birth
• the lack of sleep we'll have for the next ten years
• how new baby will affect our marriage
• that i wont be the most patient momma
• I'm scared until each appointment when I hear the baby's heart beat again

Right now it doesn't feel like I'm really pregnant, I think when the baby starts kicking that will be great and reassuring and knowing the sex will make it seem more real. How will my two dogs take to the baby. Will we have enough money for day care, dr bills, groceries, especially with the new house. 

When does the maternal guilt start, the I'm not good enough, well I'm thinking while pregnant. I had aspired to eat organic and super healthy while pregnant but lately I eat whatever won't come back up, if I can eat. I had a pregnancy melt down the other night and was feeling guilty because I haven't been eating healthy enough and have been too sick to clean the house and make it look nice. We just moved so there is still stuff everywhere. I don't really have any energy or motivation.

I can't complain, I've wanted this forever. I will say it's not easy. I have Zofran generic but I've been getting such bad headaches I try not to take it much because one of the side affects is headaches. My momma lets me call her and complain and she doesn't make me feel guilty for doing it. I love her.

The other thing that makes me feel weird or judged is when you tell someone you are pregnant the first thing they look at is your stomach. I've always been self conscious of mine, at least ever since I got out of high school. I was kind of chubby before pregnancy so I'm not fond of my belly being touched or looked at. I feel like too when you say how far along you are, the person starts to ponder whether you look too big for that month.. like oh she looks 6 months not 3!!

I know God will work everything out. There are a lot of worries though that come up but I just have to let them go and pray.

Red solo cup

I'm officially pregnant! Lol I grocery shopped with a red solo cup in my purse in case I got sick. I fit right in at Walmart..but definitely had shoes on unlike some I saw! 

I had to hurry past the pigs feet and Vienna sausages eeekk. 

My main goal was heart worm medicine for dogs and comfy cotton shorts, still in search of the shorts. 

First trimester is almost over, thank god. So ready to hear that heart beat again too and make sure everything is okay! Ill be glad to start feeling better and get more active. 

Super cool gift idea

JHill Design Great wedding and other gift idea, UNIQUE

There are bunch here I'd love to have!

defeated

I'm starting to get an awful attitude today. I feel all around defeated. The house we liked is under contract by someone else, not pregnant.. it's a lot of stress and one thing after another.

I wish I was pregnant and closing on our "family friendly" neighborhood house that needed NO work. There is still one house we like, but it's not my ideal one to be honest. I was only super excited about it before I saw the other one. It's hard because we have to sell ours before we can buy another one. Everything depends on the other thing, and so on and so on.

It's almost like since it seems I can't get pregnant the family house was taken away.. a sign?

I guess I'm having a down day.

wish list..

Things I was hoping to do:

1. tell my husband, family, and friends the good news in a creative and fun way
2. skype the news with my parents
3. cry from hearing the good news
4. buy some non gender related clothing 
5. get an ultrasound
6. put our ultrasound on facebook 

Heartbroken and deflated

I wanted it so bad, everyone wanted it so badly for me. It's such a let down and I feel like everyone else is let down too. I know they just want it for me because I want it so badly. I knew my blood results would be negative because I took two home pregnancy tests and both were negative and I could tell my period was coming. I don't know why I'm still so upset today. I expected it. I think it just seems more final that's all. I'm exhausted emotionally.

I talked myself into being pregnant, I had nausea and food aversions and was sensitive to smells too. I had it all but sore boobs and nipple color change.

I guess we'll take a few months off and relax and save up for our next IUI. I hope number two is successful. Hearing the nurse say a 12% success rate is the national average is pretty depressing. It makes me wonder if it will ever happen. I need to keep positive though.

I had been thinking of cute ways to tell my husband he was going to be a daddy.

almost time

I had my iui on the 15th of March, my blood test for pregnancy is on April 1st.. I know I could test now if I wanted or Saturday or Sunday but I'm trying not to. This is torture though.

I havent spotted yesterday or today and normally I spot before my period but I did spot a few days ago. My boobs aren't sore. My stomach feels blah sometimes.. I don't know.

uggg

It sucks that taking Progesterone causes a lot of people the same side affects as being pregnant.. like this afternoon and tonight I've been having nausea. Like just ugg...

If I knew I was pregnant I'd enjoy be happy to be nauseas.


Today I've been moody, or was a few times but maybe it was justified. I get moody the week before my period, so that worries me though.

I feel like if I find out I'm pregnant I'll immediately want to go shopping.

Progesterone also makes you sleepy and I could sleep for days. I don't want to wake up in the mornings at all and could go to bed at 7pm haha.

My progesterone levels were good though. I got the results online and my fertility doctor hasn't called about it yet. They were 29.4 which is good to make a baby with and means I ovulated.

I just so want to have good news to tell my friends and family on Monday that are waiting. I took my results day off from work. I work with all men and really want to be able to be at home and mopey or do what I need to do. I would get tested in the morning and then get the call at work. I don't want the news at work.

Dislikes

Dislike waiting!!

Dislike waiting to pee until putting in progesterone then waiting 30 minutes

Dislike friends hearts breaking from not getting pregnant

Dislike hearing about if iui doesn't work expect a bad period

Dislike preparing for bad news just in case

Dislike getting tested in am and waiting then getting called at work

Dislike walking by baby section and not buying things

Dislike how tired progesterone makes me feel

Dislike no one ever says the right thing

Waiting game

Sitting here waiting on my hubby to cook our dinner on the grill, it was a great weekend weather wise! Gorgeous. I'm trying to eat healthier and cleaner in case I'm pregnant plus I need to lose weight. We had our IUI on Friday. I took the day off for it plus I needed to get ready for a fundraiser that night too.

The procedure wasn't too bad, speculum is never pleasant, usually the worst part. It was quick too and then I laid there for 30 minutes or so. Thankfully I have a friend that has gone through similar things so she has been giving me tips, like keep your cell next to you for afterwards so when you are laying there afterwards you can get on your phone and surf around. Wear warm and comfortable clothes, she said bring a blanket but I knew I'd feel like such a goober toting a blanket into the waiting room. I did read where someone else said to bring a blanket too. I wished I would have shaved my legs though and put some makeup on. I was looking quite rough for baby making day. I had stayed up too late the night before so we were actually in a rush to get the "stuff" there.

I'm so excited for the possibility. The two week wait isn't killing me yet but I've been keeping busy getting our house ready to sell, was busy with fundraiser, work has been busy, and my friends have been instructed to keep me occupied : )

I have progesteron suppositories that are to help me be able to get and stay pregnant. They are uh.. messy. I do those twice a day.

Ahhhhh

Sitting in the waiting room with "the cup" on my lap that seems way too empty but they assure me it's normal or enough..

Collecting as some would say is hard! Not romantic!! Err no slippery stuff allowed...makes things difficult and awkward plus it was first thing in the am and we were rushed.

After this I go home for an hour and wait, shower and eat :)

They say it doesn't hurt at all.

High hopes

This is our first month of iui..I'm excited but nervous. I try to pray away my worries. It's scary spending so much money. The two week wait is always hard but so much more will be weighing on this one.

I joined a group from my church on marriage and I may have been led to this group for a reason..there's a couple in it who struggled with fertility for nine years. Hopefully they can be a source of comfort and information.

It would be do nice for my friend and I to get pregnant at the same time, it's always nice to have someone to go through things with.

Pleasantly surprised

We had our appointment at the fertility clinic in Huntersville and even though some of the reviews I read weren't great, they were actually really nice. We both left feeling excited and positive. They were very informative and up front too with the costs of things.

It feels good to have the next step lined up. I don't feel like things are lingering anymore. It's nice to have a facility that is pushing to get you pregnant before I didn't know what was up next or what the options were.

If I don't get pregnant naturally this month then I go in March on the first day of my period for a few tests and they'll put me on Femara. We are all praying that if not pregnant this month then its successful the first go round. We don't have a lot of money to do lots of rounds.

In case anyone is unsure as to what IUI is http://americanpregnancy.org/infertility/iui.html

It just helps things get to where they need to be and helps our chances. They put the sperm in the uterus.

Excited but nervous..

I have so many emotions going through me. I'm going for a consult, well hubby and I, I like for him to come with me so I don't have to relay all the info to him after I hear it. Plus the support is nice. The consult is for artificial insemination or IUI. It's the next step I believe in the process of trying to get pregnant and the more affordable one. We can't now or ever afford IVF unless we win the lotto.

Please pray the IUI works, and if it works the first time all the better. I don't know that we can afford many attempts.

I worry about the cost, will the facility be caring and knowledgeable, will it work, and will it hurt. I just hope everyone will pray that it works and that the Dr thinks we should do it.

I've been googling about it, of course, I always do and end up scaring myself. I also read forums and stuff to see what worked for people.

Bitter Betty

I'm just coming off my period but feeling quite bitter and cranky. Maybe it's because I'm trying to figure out my next step and can't even get an actual human being on the phone at the fertility clinic in Huntersville. I got two messages when I called. Why does every fertility clinic have the worst customer service, don't they know they are dealing with sad hormonal women? Not being able to get pregnant is frustrating enough without being irritated each time I have to call Reach or Affordable Fertility!

I can't win. I'm hoping an OB GYN will do what I need instead of a fertility clinic. They are nicer and maybe it's cheaper.

Yesterday I found out yet another person is pregnant. I know I shouldn't be so jealous but it's hard. I have these herbal pregnancy prep pills. OMG are they gross. I mean I'll try anything at this point to get pregnant.

I just keep on praying. And saying maybe next month is my month. Maybe we'll make a Valentine's baby.

Feeling crappy eating crappy

I spotted on the 8th. My period due on the 10th so I knew it was coming. It always does that. I've pretty much started today. I don't have any backache or cramps yet but I'm sure it'll be full force tomorrow. Happy Friday. I've been in a crap mood today but getting a little better, at least I'm not on the verge of tears anymore. I've pretty much been void of emotion today, zombie-like.

A few days ago I bought Easymac, Ramen cups, oatmeal creme pie's and brownies. It's awful. My girlfriend said getting fat isn't the same as being pregnant. I eat awful. I'm an emotional eater and a boredom eater. I know I shouldn't. It will take longer in the end to get off. I want to lose weight but don't want to work out rigorously since I'm "trying."

I'm not sure what my next step is. We are at 16 months of trying. I know others have tried for way longer and sometimes I feel bad complaining but I'm so ready for my life to change and be about my child. I want to have good news to tell my family, friends and husband instead of the same thing every month. I feel like something is missing from my life. I feel incomplete. I love my dogs and will always show them attention and love on them even when I have children, but I don't want to just be the crazy dog lady.

I guess I need to start thinking about a laproscopy and saving for artificial insemination. I don't know what I'd do though if I did those and spent all that money and it doesn't work. I know it's not guaranteed.

My right side feels weird too today, almost like ovulation pains. Maybe it's just gas. Who knows.

My friends baby will be here in a few weeks and then another one after that and then another one. Only one of them was trying. I sometimes see families with three children and think why can't god give each of us at least one. Share :) Then I feel guilty for getting so jealous.

Movie Night

Having a relaxing night with my hubby, watching a couple redbox movies while he makes homemade popcorn and hot chocolate. It's nights like these that we need to enjoy while there isn't a baby around. Although I do go to sit down and notice my boobs are tender.

The whole boob thing is so annoying. They are sore if pregnant, sore if period is coming, sore after ovulation.. so pretty much tender boobs all but a few days! So unless I'm throwing up randomly I'll just think that I'm not pregnant! I read into symptoms way too much and too easily. They say oh don't stress yourself out, but it's utterly impossible. I don't stress all month about it just the two weeks after ovulation, of course. I try to distract myself but I can't stay busy forever. I can't go in any store without looking at baby clothes. I think of ways to tell our parents and to tell Brandon the big news, one day, all the time.